First day in Korea.

I’m in Seoul – Korea.

Only a few hour flight from where I live, Tokyo.
I decided to stay here for a month to try living alone in a different country.
It’s been already 12 days since I got here.

The first night, I was too tired to figure out how to order food so I went to the convenience store nearby. Got my favorite spicy noodle and went back to my Airbnb, hoping there is no one in the kitchen. (first day is always so nervous!!)

I saw an Asian-looking boy in the kitchen. Our eyes met but he looked away quickly so I didn’t have time to be nervous. I just wanted to figure out how to use the water server and the microwave.

Then a lady came in, with her hands full with grocery bags. She said “Hi!” with a very nice tone and I knew we were going to chat for a bit. She was from Vietnam.

As soon as she saw my store-bought food, she said “Don’t eat that especially at night. Eat this instead. It’s good for your body.”
And she gave me a fig and a banana. I felt at home.
We kept talking and she took a huge pear out from another bag. I played cool but I love pears. I was so happy when she gave me some.

As we kept talking in the kitchen standing and eating the fruits, the boy walked towards us and said “Hi, I thought I was gonna say hi to you guys”
I was like “Oh, he talks!” (he looked a little bit scary when I saw him at first)
I think we stood there and talked for 40 minutes or so. It was pretty late but I was picturing the photos I saw on the Airbnb page where a few people having a conversation in the kitchen in my head . The moment was exactly like that and I got excited.

Meeting them on my first night felt like there was an angel or fairy (that’s what my mom likes to say) trying to help me to start my stay in Korea with more excitement.

Day 12 – life here has been feeling more exciting than life in Tokyo. But I think that’s because I’m not from here. I know that but it’s still really fun to get to know people and be excited about small things. That’s why I suddenly re-opened my laptop when I was about to go to sleep. Ugh, I almost managed to go to sleep early tonight but couldn’t help writing this – now it’s 1:22 AM.

I love sharing small things from my life though. Thank you for stopping by!
This blog was almost forgotten and I still need to rebrand everything but it’s okay.

Let’s have a great start to the week ❤

Lilico

the idea of being loved.

the idea of being loved is so soft, comfortable, safe,
it’s the “I’ve never felt this way”
it’s the old little me who woke up at 6am without struggling
it was oddly magical feelings
all my friends were happy for me
the idea of being loved is
believing this is a true love
just like cinderella, or the couples on social media
or my parents or grandparents

…

oh, wait. we WERE the couple on social media.

…

I was so excited to tell everything to everyone
and, every date, I had to share it
I did not want to forget everything
so I made everyone remember it
because it was so nice
I was that little kid who tells her mother what happened at school
I did not want to forget even tiny little moments
now I want to forget everything
as fast as possible
when the person smiled at me in the most ridiculously gentle way,
that I almost cried because I thought it was so beautiful
I didn’t know someone could smile like that. I wish I could get that today

billie eilish says “don’t post your feelings”

but he wouldn’t find out anything anyways
because he wouldn’t understand why people make art
I wish he was never nice to me
by the way, all the words I received sound fake as fuck

how being loved actually felt like?
well
being loved felt like helpless, controlled, fear
the idea of being loved
I was too obsessed
how being loved actually felt like?
all I wanted was words that you mean it, like you did at first
the “can I come over” text with flowers, but only the way you used to do it
or just an hour to talk and maybe a soft hug
to just comfort me
“just” “just”
how being loved actually felt like?
it was miserable, tiring, stupid
I get the “what?” with a tone instead now
I’m really confused.

…

wasn’t I loved by you?

…

I’m writing this like drinking water.

I’m hoping everything becomes normal next morning
this is just my midnight thoughts using my stupid overthinking brain cells
everything goes back to normal in a few hours because it’s almost 3
and I start loving you again
and I hurt again then I write again

maybe, I just loved the idea of being loved.

11.16.22

Have you ever felt like you haven’t grown up enough? yet, you have.

---

I turned 24. I filmed a 23 things I’ve learned at 23 video for my YouTube for 5 times but didn’t like any of the footages so I never edited.

I was thinking too hard before writing my blog but this place was supposed to be where I write whatever I feel just like a dairy on my note that I bought years ago.

I was watching Lady Bird the other night. I don’t know how many times I’ve watched the movie but it is one of my favorites. The first time I watched was probably like two years ago and I was 22.

Now I’m 24 and I don’t like the fact that this movie still hits me kinda hard. It feels like I’m still in high school and trying to put my life together.

I don’t think it’s a bad thing but I also don’t think it’s a good thing, to be honest. I push myself too hard sometimes but not really. I’m still living in my parents house and not making enough money to live by myself. I’m freaking 24 and still writing something like this?

I should make a video for my YouTube channel but writing is easier for me so I still have my blog which I don’t know if anyone reads it anymore. But I like writing and I hope that’s all that matters. Because hey, I didn’t start it for making money.

Anyways, the movie hit different when I watched the first time. Maybe that’s because I related to the character too much.

I used to think I was an unwanted child every time my parents fought. I have never actually hated my parents but I didn’t like them at some point. Every time I watch Lady Bird, the feelings she has in her mind are so relatable to me. It’s just too accurate.

---

So it was a mini blog that I wrote a few months ago. Well, I sound so depressed and unmotivated. Well, I think that’s why I didn’t post it.

Now I officially started my YouTube channel. I got my own domain for my upcoming website, my own email address, unsubscribed an old music licensing site and subscribed a new one that I’ve always wanted to use, and got a few videos to edit. I feel so much better doing all these things.

My YouTube will be active on every Friday from now on. I’m working some vlogs right now and I’m actually having real fun making the videos.

I’ve been meaning to be on YouTube for a long time but I kept stopping.

Now I feel this is my right time to focus and start. But the main reason why I feel that way is I started having more fun.

For instagram, I used to enjoy a lot when I was randomly posting when I didn’t compare myself to anyone.

But I realized if I wanna be a pro (meaning to stand out more), I need to think about the feed, the quality of the contents, the camera I use, the lighting, the matching filter, better captions and accessible hashtags etc.

As I try to follow those tips, I sometimes find it frustrating and meaningless. “why am I forcing myself to take this photo?” I get super excited and keep staring at the photo when it comes out as I wanted so I know I don’t hate it. I love it but I just love it, there’s no more or less.

On YouTube, the “grow-your-account” tips work almost the same but I don’t feel like I force myself to be in the platform even though how long it takes me to film or edit.

Instagram is more about the “appearance” And I’m kinda getting tired of it. I love seeing the pretty models, outfits, and makeup but it’s more like in a toxic way to me. Am I leaving instagram? Definitely no. But I do wanna find a better way to use it.

The reason why I wanna be on the internet is more exposed now, I feel like. I like when my friends or followers tell me that they related with/inspired by what I said or wrote. That makes me happy because I feel like I touched their inner minds and feel like I did something meaningful.

This blog is getting all over the place but this is my thought for now and I’m excited to see how it changes as I get older.

Thanks for reading anyways. It means a lot to me x thank you again.

Lily

Imperfectly Perfect / Relationship story

It just happened, like, so naturally. Now I know what loving someone feels like.

I was just a girl who had never dated or kissed until 20, never found the right person, never opened up mentally and physically until now. I’m 23. I had never stayed in the same relationship for more than a month. The feeling faded away so easily and quickly and I was disappointed, like,  “Oh, is this what a relationship is like?” It wasn’t something I had pictured in my head at all.

I thought I was asexual because how I couldn’t have one of those special feelings that people are talking about towards guys for a certain period. I was also just tired of guys at the moment. To me, dating sounded like too much work. I liked being single anyways.

I was also scared when I saw people get separated after being together for a while, like; how can people be in love and break up and start a whole new relationship with another person? This thought had always made me want to be single rather than risk an excruciating heartbreak. I mean there must be a lot of reasons for couples deciding their breakups but I was just too scared so it was hard to be positive about the idea of dating for me.

But now I’m experiencing my first serious relationship with someone.

It was October 2019 when I met him. Soooo guess what. We matched on Tinder. Yes, we did. Even though you are supposed to meet someone on the app, I really didn’t want to. I was just talking with people randomly. But when I started talking with him, I felt something was different. He was the only one who actually kept talking to me with actual conversations.

So it didn’t take me that long to decide that I was going to see him in person. I was also kind of excited to get out of my comfort zone, which was meeting up with a complete stranger, using my own decision.

My eyelash extensions were almost gone and my hair was losing color, which wasn’t the best time to meet a new person. Oh well, I headed to the station after work. It wasn’t cold outside but winter was around the corner so it started feeling a bit chilly in summer clothes. I was wearing a beige jacket. He said he was wearing a long black jacket in the text. We met up at the station and had dinner. We talked for like 4 or 5 hours straight. It started raining when we left and he had an umbrella but I didn’t. So we headed back to the station being kind of close to each other. I went back home with a weird (but in a good way) feeling.

We decided to start dating on our second date. That WAS quick and kind of funny to see me from “Tinder wasn’t for me” to “We met on Tinder” Deciding to date a guy I basically didn’t know about anything? I was pretty wild. But it was fun and also I knew it was going to be okay with him somewhere in my heart. I could trust whatever I felt, did, and said. I could trust what I was doing without asking my friends like “what do I do next?” Now it has been 6 months since we started dating.

He never leaves me guessing about everything and I just get super emotional about it sometimes. Being understood this well by a person who I date is crazy. This was the first time I could believe in the possibilities of love.

He’s tall enough to make me feel comfortable being next to him and holds me the way I want him to. He notices every little thing about me, supports everything I do, never lets me carry stuff, and I learned what caring people mean from him. I’m not good at expressing my feelings in person. Words often get sucked in my throat when I have something to say, like “I love you” He once said, “It’s okay, I know what you’re thinking” Now I’m slightly getting used to speaking out. Since he is amazingly good at having me open up to him, it’s getting easier for me to let my words and feelings out.

I thought “making efforts” only meant prioritizing them over me. Making efforts for somebody didn’t mean holding myself back. It’s to know the person, talk, and understand each other. It was that simple and that’s what I have learned from this relationship so far. 

What I love about our relationship is we respect each other a lot. I always want to respect my life and of course, his. So even though I’m so in love, I can still see the reality of every aspect, and that’s why I think this relationship is really healthy for me.

He literally changed my entire image of dating. I feel loved for the first time. Some people tell me it’s just the beginning but why do people have to be cruel when I’m finally trying to overcome the fear of facing what I have in front of me, you know? This relationship lets me easily trust myself.

It has been the sweetest and most wholesome. Never planned any of these things would happen to me, and I can’t stop feeling so grateful every single day. It feels right to be with him. It sounds super cliche, but it literally feels like I was born to meet him. Thinking about change is scary. I know It’s pointless to think about what’s not going on right now. But as long as I know in my heart that I will always be grateful for having him as my boyfriend, I wanna treasure this unexpected encounter.

Nothing or no one’s perfect but he is my definition of perfection.

Imperfectly perfect. That’s the word for him and our relationship, I would say.

Lily

I hate being nervous but I like doing something makes me nervous

I like any kinds of growing experiences. No one wants to experience things that make them feel uncomfortable and tired. I don’t want that either. But if I can grow up by trying, I’m totally down for anything that’s waiting for me even if I’d regret at the moment because that’s just a temporary thing. I would even jump into it by myself.

(fyi: i haven’t moved out!)

I’ve lived with my family for 23 years and I’m still going to for now but I had an opportunity to live by myself for two weeks. I’m not going into too much details but this story is gonna be a bit personal. But I wanted to write down to record what I was going through and how I felt and managed it just like a diary. So I hope you don’t take this is “everything”. I hope you read it as one of my experiences in life.

I had a huge fight with my dad. I was mad at my mom about still being with a person who stresses the fuck me out. It’s not like he’s violent. I just hated how I had to hear their pointless fights constantly. My mom said I care about small things too much. At first, I thought the problem was me. So I tried not to care. One day, I was in my room and listening to music loud. I heard my dad screaming my name from downstairs so I stopped the music but didn’t hear anything. He wasn’t screaming or calling me. It was me hearing his voice inside of my head. That’s when I realized I had to do something. They needed to stop telling me to be strong.

I’ve reached the level where I just couldn’t keep myself being home like everything’s fine. I had to be alone for a while. My friend kindly offered me to stay in her apartment for two weeks while she’s gone for her trip to France.

I packed stuff and left with one suitcase and three bags. It was raining.  I usually think first (too much) before doing something. But this time I took an action without thinking. I got nervous when I was getting close to the station, kind of regretting what I was doing.

The funny thing was, I was just REALLY sad. The first day was the most depressing day I’ve ever had. I’m not even exaggerating. I didn’t even get hungry. I didn’t feel like doing anything.

Maybe I just wanted to run away from what I had to deal with when people are still around me. Maybe I didn’t want to be alone when I’m already alone because I didn’t feel happy being in a quiet room just being by myself. Then I just needed something to run away from? I know it doesn’t make any sense but I just didn’t wanna hear the voices of my family. I was just really driven into a corner.

I cleaned, cooked, read books, went to work, explore the town, I did everything fine. Going grocery shopping was a little bit tough because food I eat at home is really specific.

My parents are really picky about food. And I’ve been taught how food can affect my body easily and I need to be careful what I eat. Still, it’s not easy to pick something that’s $5 more expensive by yourself especially when you manage on a small budget while you’re having bills to pay. I didn’t have any bills or anything but I wanted to do everything like I lived on my own as much as I could so that I could practice, you know. On the first week, I went grocery shopping and was trying to make some pancakes for breakfast. But then I realized maple syrup I use home costs almost $10. I got $4 honey instead. It got me thinking if giving the best quality life to your children is good for them in a true way. I know it sounds stupid but I felt like I had to change the whole lifestyle that I used to and I didn’t like it.

That’s how I thought on the first day, like, “they raised me too well and that ends up making me feel unhappy after all” You can see how depressed and negative I was but now I realized that it’s just the beginning of adulting. Things I thought on the first week weren’t anything bad but something made me grateful for what I have right now. Now my goal is keeping the same lifestyle I had back home with my own financial situation.

So yeah, I was getting used to this lifestyle after the first week. I wasn’t lonely at all. I was totally fine. Everything was just brand new and I started having fun. I woke up early and went to some cafes every weekends. I secretly planned to get out of my comfort zone which meeting up with new people while I’m here. I was so curious if I could experience something different. I did meet a new person here. It was so meaningful and fun.

I almost called my mom on the first week because I missed her even though I was upset. She messaged me once in a while but I didn’t response to any of them because I knew it made me easier to go back home. I wanted her to leave me alone for a while. If I would have been back home, I would totally miss the chance to give myself this good experience. I’m so glad that I didn’t go back home.

My friend came back from France yesterday and I’m going home today. We went to eat out for dinner, kept each other updated, bought some ice cream and watched a movie last night. It’s nice to have someone around.

I honestly have no idea how my parents are gonna act when I show up. I haven’t talked them for two weeks. It might sound like it doesn’t that big of deal but I haven’t done anything like this before. I’ve had been out for weeks when I was on a trip but I called my mom once in a while. Text almost everyday. So this feels a little weird to see them after the long silence. These past two weeks felt so long. It almost felt like two months. It was good. I felt like I had every single hour in a day.

Now I kind of have a plan of getting out of my parent’s house anytime soon. I don’t know exactly when it’s going to be but at least now, I could imagine about it a little bit more realistically.

I wasn’t depressed or anything like that from the second week but still I was sad because I never thought I would have to go through something like this about my family. We never had this big fight before. Home was where I always wanted to go back. Recently, I didn’t think I wanted to go home. I was sad about the fact that my heart was saying no, I don’t wanna be with them right now. I was shocked that I had to feel that way towards my family.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate them at all. I just needed some distance. After the two weeks, I calmed down and started seeing things from further which is good. Now I feel like I can face them and talk when I go back. I think I have to. Tell them why I had to do this and how my feeling hurt. I’ve told some people that I’m being away from my house but some of them might think I’m just a girl who fights with my family a lot and I’m doing some super random things. But this experience was such a big event that changed my thoughts for my future and that made me stronger.

Thank you for reading x

it’s been a year // World Wide Lily

I started this blog June 2018. It’s been a year.

 

I remember it took me time to post the first article. Before I built this blog, I was dedicated to write/submit articles to other websites. As I was writing, I wanted a place to write something more about my specific experiences and thoughts. And I started my own blog. I used to be a writer of a web magazine for a year. Although, now I don’t call myself a writer anymore, I enjoy when I write. It’s such a good way to heal any kinds of emotional pains especially when you’re overwhelmed and confused.

Writing is like when you have a conversation with your friend and you unexpectedly go into a deep one without even realizing and all the words that come out of your mouth surprise you like “holy shit, that’s what I’ve wanted to know” It’s really interesting that you didn’t know until you start talking/writing about small things which end up leading you to the answer that you’ve always wondered. Does it make sense?

When I started this blog, I was hoping that it could be something in some way.  I wasn’t sure what would it be but I knew it would be something if I keep doing it. I also started this blog because I had nothing that I could put myself out except Instagram. I felt like I needed it. When I got hired for my new job last December, I remember that my boss said “I thought it’s cool that you write your blog in English and you’ve kept doing it” It meant everything to just hear it. It is a small blog that is read only by a few people but it still means a lot to me and it will.

So many things have happened but I think the biggest one from recent is seeing my friends getting pregnant. I’ve gotten a new feeling that I’ve never had before and I can’t even describe what it is. Like, my friends are having babies. One of them is my best friend since middle school. I’ve known her more than 10 years now and her baby was born two months ago. Me and my other best friend literally screamed when we heard. We are so proud of her but wow, it is really happening, like, we aren’t practicing anymore. We are living life that we can never do it again, that we make decisions to go forward even if we’re scared. We were born and we are here. We just have to do whatever we think it’s fun, exciting, and challenging. These past 6 months of 2019 got me thinking that more than ever. Everyone changes in their own ways compared to when we were teenagers, of course. I see differences in my life especially these days. Differences in any ways. People around me, me myself, colors I like, food I eat, people that I look up to and such.

When I was younger, I was even more optimistic than I am now and everyone around me was just so worried about me and my future saying “see the reality and you gotta be more responsible” That was literally what my friend said to me when I was 18. Now those friends know how I live my life with certain intention and they constantly tell me that I motivate them. I was always motivated by someone to lift me up so it feels amazing to know that I could be the motivation for others too.

Things also don’t scare me much anymore. Everything is so much easier compared to when I was all scared of everything. On the other hand, I feel like I get stressed out more than before. I still don’t know what it is. Maybe I got a little bit more sensitive? Maybe it’s just a phase I’m going through. Or I’m letting myself feel whatever I feel which I used to hold myself back and told myself that being sad or mad is a bad thing. Well, it turned out it’s not at all. Of course I wanna stay positive and happy but that’s not how life works, you know. Sometimes, it’s super annoying to be emotional but being sad or mad or depressed is actually a good time to be creative. I don’t hate being sad that much. I honestly love every aspects of my life right now. There are so many things to feel. And I realized that the emotions aren’t that hard to deal with. Just don’t let the emotions eat you up. That’s what I read the other day. It actually blew my mind like, “that’s it”

Writing always helps me to meet myself at a deep place that isn’t noticeable usually. Talking to people as well. Now I say stuff that close to my heart more. I wish I could see my first boyfriend for a minute just to have a little conversation to show him that I no longer the girl that he knew. God, I wish I could do that. (i’m totally kidding) (i had a hard time expressing myself when I was 20)

I’ve been moving on every single day. That makes me comfortable even if I have to go through something uncomfortable. I stopped talking to my old best friend from elementary school a year ago which sometimes makes me sad when I think of the days we spent time together even though I’m still mad at her. But I think it was good for us being apart because we don’t gain anything from each other. Things are complicated sometimes. I became really picky about people. I find myself feeling dead often. I enjoy more when I’m alone doing something in my room as writing this or going out for a movie and museums by myself. Being alone also can be tiring. Of course, I sometimes need to talk to my friends.

It’s getting harder to feel “fun” for me these days. The funny thing is the more I see the world, the more it gets hard to please myself. It’s not like I know everything. It’s just there are so many things that could be less than you imagined. However, the fact that you figure it out is something really valuable. There is this line in this song called “In my head” by Ariana Grande says “The only thing you can fix is yourself” It’s so true when it comes to friendships and relationships. It’s not possible to manipulate others completely so when I find it’s bad for me to spend time with someone, all I have to do is stay way. It’s not like I hate them. I think this is similar to the situation when Ariana called her relationship with her ex, Mac Miller, was “toxic” She must have loved him so much so it must have been really hard for her to walk away from him. But she probably decided to take care of herself first which we should too.

I always look for something new, something better. My friend used to laugh at me how I was obsessed with the word “new” But I feel brand new when I get nails done, when I dye my hair, after watching a good movie, when the new month starts and when I accomplish something. I love that feeling.

Having a blog all in English was a challenge for me but I’m glad I’m still doing it. Thank you for always reading and I will bring it to the 2nd year x

 

Lily

who’s ready for the summer? / summer haul

 

lilybrown swimwear

I love love love the girly retro vibe of this swimwear. My friends get super surprised when I say this but it was my first time purchasing a swimwear by myself. I used to wear ones that my mom was wearing when she was around my age. They were cute but I was more like “whatever’s fine if I could go into the water” cause I didn’t really like wearing it in the first place cause of my body (crying emoji)

First of all, I didn’t usually do summer activities especially the beaches. But when I saw it at the store, I was like, “I have to buy this”

I’m so happy with my decision this time cause I definitely feel like I finally got out of my comfort zone. I started working out lately so buying a swimwear is gonna be a great motivation for getting fit as well.

 

 

Diptyque philosykos

Last summer, I bought a travel size one and I fell in love with the smell. Sweet but fresh, it smells almost like real fig and you can even smell the greenery part of the tree. This is the perfect scent for summer. I finished the whole mini bottle last year so I knew this was my actual favorite. So I didn’t hesitate to purchase it even though it was a little pricy.

 

 

Charles & Keith top handle bag

Got this from their pre opening party when my boss took all of us last month. It’s the cutest bag for summer time!! The basket kind of look is super cute, like, it’s SO summer. My coworker got the same one in blue.

 

M.A.C. Powder Kiss Lipstick sultry move

Since I almost only wear bright orange colors during this season, I wanted to go with something darker & nude beige kind of color this year. Even though it’s matte lipstick, it doesn’t feel too dry and you don’t really feel like you’re wearing lipstick. I think the color matches my skin color as well.

I’ve never felt so ready for the summer, wow. Now I know why people like it so much and look forward to it.

 Bye till the next one!

self portrait / films

S

stop by for a minute

E

excuses for your misunderstanding

L

lovely, lively,

F

for you in case it wasn’t clear

I

i hope you see the same way as me

E

expose someone’s secret but without realizing

 

 

Minimalism and Fast Fashion (what i learned from The True Cost documentary)

When I was a teenager, I loved shopping. I used to go to those typical fast fashion shops and would buy something every time I went. And, I even used to work at a fast fashion brand. But I had no clue how the fashion industry works and what I had been doing to help continue the bad cycle. I didn’t even care because I didn’t know anything.

I’ve done my biggest declutter over almost 6 months. Last month, I watched the documentary show called The True Cost to learn about the fast fashion industry. I’ve been getting interested in the minimalism lifestyle since last year and I think these two topics are connected.

Do you relate to this: buying something for $10 for decent(if I say politely) quality and when it gets shabby or you genuinely get bored after a few months, the worth of the item starts to go away, but it’s easy to let it go because you got it for only $10. Then we throw it away or “donate” and repeat.

The donated clothes are apparently no longer needed anymore. I thought I could just donate my clothes when I don’t need them so I won’t feel bad for getting rid of them and avoid doing something bad for the environment. I even thought I was doing something really good by doing it. In Haiti, which is one of the countries that receives donations, they’ve gotten too many clothes. What I learned from the documentary was only 10% of the donated clothes go to thrift stores and actually get sold. The rest go to the developing countries. I was really shocked while watching the piles of clothes everywhere through my computer display. I did a little bit of research and over 30 African countries have prohibited other countries from sending used items and it shows how serious it has been getting. In Haiti, the local fashion industry has completely disappeared because of the free clothes from other countries. People automatically stop buying clothes which ended up taking their local retail jobs. As a result, people in Haiti make  clothes mostly for American fashion brands under low wages(less than $3 a day), get treated unfairly and work in an unsafe garment factory. Knowing where the clothes I always bought come from was just really painful and I was mad at myself.

I’ve started decluttering since the summer in 2018. The beginning was a baby step. I could not throw most of the stuff away when I started it. But I kept cleaning and the more I try to declutter the more I let my stuff go. In January 2019, I got rid of eight big bags of my clothes. It was insane. I didn’t know that I had that many clothes and I couldn’t even remember what I had. Obviously, it felt amazing. After watching the documentary and a few times of decluttering, I stopped wanting stuff as much as I did before.

Minimalism is a lifestyle and an option. We are people and we want stuff as desired. I think requiring people to be complete minimalist is just wishful thinking because it’s literally not that easy. But we can totally learn from the lifestyle and help to change the situation even a little. We can buy less stuff, we can save money and wait a littler longer than usual to get new clothes from an ethical brand, we can break the silence and talk about this with our friends. Tidying up isn’t the only thing that you should focus on. I believe it’s not all about how it looks.

I went to the city to shop for the first time since the new year started the other day. My friend had a coupon that we could get 10% off in the entire mall and it was almost expired so we went. I was using my washable beauty blender for two years and it got crumbly, so, I needed a new one. I went straight to the makeup store and bought it first. I was looking for new earrings as well, so we walked around from the top floor but what was surprising to me was I couldn’t find anything I wanted at all. Nothing in the mall was attractive to me even though they were “kinda” cute. I would’ve bought them without thinking a few years ago. I ended up finding the perfect ones when we were about to go home. I wouldn’t have found them if I hadn’t waited for something I really wanted!

What can we do?

I think we just don’t know how everything works. So as I said earlier, we should at least learn, know where the clothes come from and how they are made. Details are: stop buying from the fast fashion and know the worth of products and the true cost. That’s what I’m working on right now.

The documentary was made in 2015 which is already 4 years ago from now. I feel so ashamed for not knowing any of these issues for such a long time. I did buy clothes from these fast fashion brands often because they were cheap and cute. I even used to work in a fast fashion brand. I still have the clothes I bought from them. But I stopped going to these stores after I knew all of this. I don’t even think I wanna go back. It’s because I knew the background of this issue and my material desires have been fading after decluttering as well. I felt really bad for getting rid of all the clothes I had, but that made me realize how bad randomly purchasing stuff is . It’s not easy to get something only from ethical stores due to the prices, the design, and the locations. But, by paying the right amount for something it’s showing appreciation to someone who made it. It’s not just you pay and it’s done. If the store sells something for $10, naturally the cost is supposed to be cheaper than that. We can already imagine that the amount of the payment for the workers.

The brands need to take responsibility for what they sell and WE, who can choose what to buy and where to buy from should be aware of the weight and power of our choices.

I wanna make a list of fashionable ethical brands when I get more information. Stay tuned & I will link some pages where you can learn more about fast fashion and ethical brands. Thank you for reading.x

Fast Fashion Brands to Avoid

How fast fashion is destroying developing countries

35 Fair Trade & Ethical Clothing Brands Betting Against Fast Fashion

What really happens to old clothes dropped in those in-store recycling bins

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Two Years Of Working In Retail

I stepped aside from my job that I worked for two years on January 2nd.

I started working at a retail store in the city when I was 20. It wasn’t technically my first time working in a clothings store because I had worked at another clothing store before that. But it didn’t last long. Their working schedule was bad and I thought I didn’t fit in at all. I thought working in retail wasn’t for me. But, I still needed a job so, I applied to a different store that my friend was working at. Honestly, I regretted applying after I did because I didn’t like the first one. After a few days, they called me back and I started working in January exactly two years ago. I would’ve never guessed that I’d work there for two years.

I remember my first day well. I chose my outfit with my manager. It was just a plain ivory shirt and jeans. My hair was short so when I look at my old photos from back then, I look like a baby. lol I introduced myself in the morning meeting and I remember I was awkward. They made me hold outfits to show customers at the entrance. At that time, I already regretted that I got the job on the first day, thinking “This is not what I wanted to do”

But I needed the job to make money and also I couldn’t just quit again because of the reason that I didn’t like it. I kept telling myself that I should keep doing it at least a little more or I wouldn’t beat my weakness.

I was working there for 6 months without realizing. My friend had left the job but it didn’t keep me from staying. I started being able to do more tasks. At first, it was hard to talk to strangers while I was working (even for me as a people person) and ask what they are looking for and all the basic stuff that retail sellers would ask. So the first 6 months, I got to practice communicating with complete strangers. I wasn’t that bad at it before but when it came to work, it was a little harder. Also the store had sales all the time. But it wasn’t like “everything is 50% off!” it was like “this thin knitted shirt is 30% off but that sweater is 40%, oh and the cardigans aren’t on sale so don’t make any mistakes!” that kind of sale. So I hated being a cashier because of the most confusing pricing that made even the staff confused. If I make a mistake, I’d get in a trouble so I had to really be caraful about it for a while.

After a year, this was surprising to me too but I found myself enjoying my job. I became really good at doing the cashier and I could easily talk to the customers and I started being more comfortable when I talk. Even I’ve noticed it by myself that I sound more open and bright which was becoming that way naturally. I hated answering the phone calls at work because I honestly didn’t know how to say things properly when it came to phone calls. I couldn’t talk how I wanted because I was too nervous. But now that has been added to one of my easy tasks at work.

I was such a worrywart when I was younger. I’d be so worried about thing I’d never done and get scared beforehand. After I worked there, I was getting more confident not getting scared of things I wasn’t used to every time I went to work anymore. New people came in and I became the person who teaches them. It felt weird at first because I was the one who was taught all the time until then.

After a year and a half, I started thinking about when I should quit this job. It wasn’t like I didn’t like it but, I didn’t mean to keep working there forever in the first place. So, I kind of started figuring out when I should leave. But #1 thing I had to consider was What should I do next?

I wanted 2019 to be something new, not staying the same working in the same place and do the same thing I can already do. So I decided to apply for YMS last July which is basically a working visa in the U.K. that allows me to live and work there for two years maximum. Though I wasn’t chosen, they are open for applications in January and July so I was going to reapply in January. In 2018, I was also trying to do more creative projects such as writing more articles, submitting a video to Awesomeness TV, making a zine page, taking more photos daily, starting this blog etc. I wasn’t really sure what those things would lead to for my future but I didn’t wanna just let time go doing nothing. I just really wanted to get out of the same old situation because I knew 2019 is going to be the same if I just stay the same.

On December, the situation completely changed. I had this opportunity to get a new job which might sound too good to be true. It’s a whole different story so I might write more details about it someday. But yeah, when I knew I could leave my current job and start something new, I couldn’t wait to tell my managers that I’m leaving. The people at the store were super nice though. They took care of me really well. So it kind of hurt me to tell them that I’m leaving so suddenly (since I got the new job all of the sudden) but I was glad when they told me how they were excited for me.

Working there was honestly really hard sometimes because of the huge amount of customers lining up, so many things to remember, taking care of phone calls and unreasonable customers, wearing heels for 8 hours and so on. So I was always super tired after work and wondered once in a while what I was doing.

But after these two years, I am so grateful for how I’ve become as a person. I got the idea of how can I work efficiently for me and for my coworkers which I ended up getting the compliment that I was super helpful from a lot of people. I was able to look at things wider to see what I needed to do and think how could I get done this task quicker. The way I talk has changed and I sound more confidence now. I don’t get nervous when I talk with people I see for the first time anymore. I feel like everything got easier which I think is awesome. The skill I got from the job isn’t something I can only use for the job. It was something I needed to have to improve how I will be in the future.

Saying goodbye to people at work was sad but working there and the people absolutely helped me to grow up. I got to use my English a lot since it was located in the city so that was good too. What I learned was even if you aren’t good at something, you will be changing if you keep doing it. Maybe you’ll even find it fun. Working at a retail store wasn’t something I wanted to do for the rest of my life and I already knew it when I started it. However, it ended up giving me so many things. And since I was able to have my personal time at the same time, I had a good balance between work and my time. I got to travel, try being a writer, and take photos and do things I was interested in while I was working part time. I think that’s why I was able to keep doing it even though it wasn’t what I truly wanted to do. That can apply to any kind of jobs not only retail ones. But I think working as a retail salesperson is one of the best jobs to enhance your communication skills and most important, learn how to be yourself in any environment.

(If you start considering working in retail, you might wanna know if the brand is worth to work for. I didn’t care about it at all before. I mean I had no idea it was even a thing that we should care about until someone told me about it. And after I watched this documentary called The True Cost, I was shocked. Knowing where the clothes from your brand come from and how they are made is probably the first step to make a change for the clothing industry now. I will write about more details probably in the next post.)

Thank you for reading 🙂